Although I am honest in all my posts, I acknowledge that the majority of them are fairly light hearted and may only reflect the positive outcomes I have when I use my tools. This is intentional as I try to plant seeds and encourage you to explore my tools to help you discover your tools... and positivity breeds positivity. I try to steer clear of the negative posts.
Today I have chosen to go a little deeper as I feel it is important to share that even this Reiki Therapist, Wellness Coach & Author of a Wellness Book is not immune from Mental Health issues returning to slap me in the face. I considered doing a Live but I’m just too tired to talk, it will end in tears and I have a feeling pulling out Tool #25 may help me (and hopefully one or more of you) today...
For those of you who have watched the recent lives you will know that for several months anxiety has been creeping back into my life and my tools have been used more in the past 6 months than in the last 13 years, mostly with success. However, it still led me to visit the doctor in July as my instinct, mixed with brittle nails, breaking hair, and spotty skin, was telling me something was not quite right (the body really is amazing at sending us messages). A blood test and a phone call to the doctors a few days later, it was confirmed over the phone that I had a B12 deficiency (again). “That’s ok” I thought, at least I now know, that can be sorted easily. I had a B12 deficiency when my eldest was 5 months old, the docs prescribed B12 supplements, they made a positive difference within 2 weeks! I tried to book a routine appointment to see the doctor to discuss further, however I was unable to get an appointment booked in before I was going away for 4 weeks. Therefore, I popped to the health food shop and picked up some B12 supplements... and until yesterday have been taking 1 per day (well most days).
In the past 2 weeks the anxiety has really ramped up, whilst exciting news and opportunities were flying at me in all directions I was becoming more overwhelmed and less excited... even demotivated. This is not “normal” me. By the time I flew out to work with my Dad in Dublin last Tuesday anxiety levels were the highest they have been in 13 years, my tools working overtime, I actually felt a bit scared. I nearly didn’t get on the plane... it was the massage chair... water... Rescue Remedy... Affirmations... Reiki.... Gratitude... ME! that helped calm me down (and my new found Puzzle book tool), but by the time I got off the plane and was greeted by my Dad I was smiling but felt exhausted.
The next few days Dad and I really enjoyed working together as we designed some great My Wellness Toolbox Workshops and I was able to spend some quality time with my 90 year old grandparents. I had a good time yet I constantly felt anxiety was always hanging around waiting to greet me on the next corner. I struggled to eat in the mornings, felt overwhelmed as I brainstormed new ideas, anxious as we went into new places and tearful at the thought I was spiralling back down into a dark hole that I haven’t seen for 13 years (and have no intentions of revisiting). Over thinking sucks.
I spoke to my Dad and was honest about how I was feeling (most of the time). He agreed that another visit to the doctor was a must and not a should... and that Dr Google was not the way forward (old habits pop up = slapped wrists) as that was just adding to the confusion, overthinking and tiredness.
Then I landed home on Friday and the weekend happened. Friday eve ended with me in tears spilling all my frustrations and feelings over my extremely understanding husband who has never really seen this side of me... a massive release. Yet when I woke up on Saturday I have never felt so tired (and I have two small children). I spent most of Saturday and Sunday napping, sleeping, yawning or trying to convince the family to snuggle on the sofa and watch movies, I didn’t go outside once (and I love fresh air). I have also been feeling extremely low, tearful and not myself. So frustrating as I have no obvious reasons to feel like this. Life is great right now, so why am I not feeling like it? As a dollop of guilt comes and lands on my head... ouch!
So yesterday morning I called the Docs once more and managed to book an appointment. A few hours later I am sat in front of the Doc, sharing with him the latest list of “symptoms” hoping this may help. Following an initial discussion he asked what I was taking for the B12 deficiency. I proudly presented my high quality (and fairly expensive) pot of B12 supplements... doc quickly advised that unfortunately they wouldn’t really have made any difference to my B12 levels as the dosage is significantly less than what I require!!! Doh!! So it looks like my body has been ringing the alarm bells and screaming at me to return to the docs. I’m so glad I finally listened. I have now been prescribed a course of five B12 injections over the next 2 weeks. They started yesterday. I have everything crossed these help.
Today I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Obviously the injections won’t work overnight so I am still extremely tired which appears to be best buddies with anxiety, headaches and over thinking at the moment. I have pulled out Tool #17 Reiki (thanks to the lovely Jaki) which took the edge off and has calmed me down, pulled out Tool #9 Daily Self Care and rearranged all my appointments and meetings for the week ahead so I can have some downtime. At first I felt a bit guilty doing this but quickly realised my body is telling me I need to give me a break so I can be the Mummy my kids need me to be and the positive energy my clients need me to be. I also picked up the phone and spoke to one of my Tool #14s, my best friend, talking really does help release the anxiety, she was amazing.
Tool #11 Affirmations “This too will pass” and “I have a healthy mind and a healthy body” are also on repeat right now.
I have definitely learned a lesson the hard way. I knew that the anxiety that was creeping back in was different to 13 years ago, this was not the result of PTSD. Therefore, self prescribing supplements for a deficiency is really not a good idea (slap - my wrists are getting sore). Even if you can’t make the follow up appointment following a blood test try and seek advice from your GP over the phone (and not just a chat with the surgery receptionist). I have had to pull out the acceptance tool to forgive myself on this one. Next step is to pull out the let go & release techniques so I can move forward more positively from the last few weeks and not get caught up in the negative thinking... as that will only suck me into the black hole.
My Wellness Toolbox has been invaluable in recent months and I feel so lucky to have the tools with me at all times... and as I continue to discover new ones they are getting added straight away.
I need to be clear that I haven’t shared this for sympathy, a telling off or applause. I have simply shared to help the one person who may resonate with this, to encourage them to ask for help, discourage them from self diagnosing, definitely discourage them from self-prescribing, to encourage them not to assume this is “the same as last time” and maybe to help them discover a tool or two for their Wellness Toolbox.
I know it sucks, yet it is ok not to feel ok, but it’s not ok to let yourself struggle in silence. Please ask for help.
Ps... writing this has helped me a little! I love Tool #25... give it a go 🙌🏻